


The Only Five Humans

by VotumStellarum



Series: The Only Five Humans [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: F/M, Gender neutral Pidge - Freeform, Hanging Out, Hunk is so curious, Keith cannot look away, Lance has his hands full, M/M, Masturbation, Multi, Pidge has a lot of data, Self-Pleasure, Setting the stage, Shiro manages not to face-palm, Unresolved Sexual Tension, klance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 13:57:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8492377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VotumStellarum/pseuds/VotumStellarum
Summary: Shiro initiates an important team talk and the paladins get into a detailed discussion about how they each have been dealing with sexual frustration.





	

The Castle of Lions was cruising through space so the shadow of a star didn't signal the end of a day, but the paladins had been awake, training, and goofing off long enough for their bodies to feel like the sun had set.  

Coran left for his room after dinner ended and once Allura said goodnight and disappeared through the door toward her quarters, Shiro turned to face the rest of the paladins.  Earlier in the day, he'd told each of them that he wanted to talk.  Privately.  And so here they were all together on a circular sofa in one of the castle's sitting rooms.

On that sofa, near the opening, sat Pidge slouched deep into the backrest, toes curled at the edge of the seat, knees up balancing a laptop near eye-level.  To the right of Pidge sat Hunk, both arms stretched out over the back of the sofa in a typical post-meal relaxation pose.  

Hunk's right hand was bumped by Lance's left foot, as it swung over and behind the sofa.  Lance was lying with his back flat on the seat of the sofa, hands behind his head, one knee draped over the backrest and the other leg stretched out toward Hunk and Pidge.  From that position Lance could strain to look up at Keith sitting directly behind his head, but he didn't.  Even without looking, he knew the Red Paladin was just about eight inches away, upright with his arms tensely crossed and his eyes tracking Shiro.

"Okay, guys... no need to be worried.  No one is in trouble or anything,"  Shiro began.  As he took a seat on the circular sofa, across from Keith and Lance, Pidge slid toward Hunk to make more room.  Now they were all in pretty close proximity and Shiro lowered the volume of his voice accordingly.

"...Now that we're out here in deep space, there are a lot of things we have to adjust." Shiro made sure to add a small, sympathetic smile as he continued, "For example, we can't just go outside and join a game of basketball or run a few laps around the school anymore, right?  We need to set aside time and space to train and take care of our bodies."

Lance blinked up toward Shiro, then over to Hunk, whose brow wrinkled in thought.  Pidge held focus on the screen, still typing while Shiro continued.

"And we can't just go take a nap under a tree or walk along the beach right now, can we?  Being inside a ship most of the day means we need to take time and space for clearing our minds and keeping ourselves centered, right?"  

Keith made eye contact, requesting permission to speak, sir.   Shiro nodded with a hopeful smile, maybe Keith would be the first to get it.

"Are we here because you think the team spends too much time without structure?"

"No, definitely not.  You're all doing great work lately.  But I called you here because... well, I think we all need to keep perspective on our situation.  And maybe be aware of other things that... have become less convenient... since we ended up out in deep space."  Shiro mentally kicked himself for sounding so clumsy, then tacked on another example, hoping his point would become clear.  

"We can't just go out and see other people around campus, or in the library, or at a party anymore, right?  And we can't go back to our old bedrooms, possibly for a really, really long time."

To keep this train of thought from getting too dark, Shiro sat up with both hands on his knees, took a deep breath and then plowed straight ahead. 

 

"Okay, my point is...  Even though this ship is really large, I know it can sometimes feel like we don't have much privacy here.  But we need to be sure we take time and space to release _all types of pent up tension_.  It's natural and not anything to be ashamed about, okay?"

 

At that, Pidge stopped typing, Hunk looked to Pidge, then to Lance whose fingers could now be heard quietly tapping on the sofa. Keith spoke up.

"So this is about _sex_?"

"About sexual tension, yes, because, guys..." Shiro continued with a much more relaxed, brotherly tone, "We are the only five humans out here.  I don't want to encourage an environment where anyone on this team has to feel ashamed or embarrassed about being human, okay?"

"Okay, so," Pidge chimes in with a shrug, "you want to encourage us to talk about getting ourselves off as needed."

Laughter broke out from both Hunk and Lance, who trailed off with an awkward chuckle.  Keith blinked back (maybe surprised, maybe not) at Pidge, who met the gaze for a second, then looked back to the laptop screen.  Hunk sighed loudly as he spoke.

"Well, that's a relief.  Shiro, man, when you started, I thought this was gonna be a talk about lowering our daily caloric intake, which is just not acceptable given how our training levels have increased lately."

"Alright, alright so..." flipping himself over onto his stomach, Lance shot a glare at Shiro.  

"I get it.  Keith told you, didn't he?"

Keith clearly didn't expect to hear his own name at that moment, and uncrossed his arms to take some kind of action; Shiro gently raised one hand toward both of them.  

"No, Lance.  I'm not here to out anyone or point any fingers, so--" 

"Well, you know what," Lance interrupted, "Pidge, Hunk, you might not have heard yet.  A couple days ago, you guys remember we all got back from that dusty planet and we went straight to the showers, right?"

Pidge and Hunk nodded in understanding, then all eyes darted to Keith when they heard a quiet, "Lance, _don't_."

Lance also looked over to Keith, demonstrating that he DID hear it, but he did NOT listen.

"I'd like to point out, by the way, that I made sure to wait 15 minutes after everyone else had finished their shower and was gone..."

"Are you sure about that? When we were supposed to do high planks for 40 seconds, you stopped at like 25 because you thought it'd been too long," Pidge questioned without looking up from the screen, Hunk hummed in agreement.  Lance waved both hands at shoulder level as if the text 'we've got a badass over here' appeared below him.

"Maybe, but regardless of the time, I am 100% sure no one else was in there.  I checked.  Then this asshole decided to sneak back to the showers and -- spoiler alert -- walked in on me getting a nice, good grip on myself." Lance sat back triumphantly, "Yep, Keith crashed my solo sausage party PLUS instead of just sneaking back out, he made a loud noise right when the proverbial chicken was almost choked.  It was a mess for everyone involved.  Now you know."

Shiro exhaled and Hunk barely turned his neck to speak while Pidge finished typing another two lines.

"Dude, you could've stopped at 'walked in on me'.  We would've figured it out."

"Agreed. Also, excessive meat metaphors. Five yard penalty."

"I'm not the asshole here!" Keith suddenly blurted, "I told you, I came to check in case you'd passed out! Thought you had at least a speck of modesty, but--"

"No way, man.  I know you weren't thinking about modesty, you were thinking about **blackmail**!" Lance uprighted himself, tucked his feet up under himself so he now sat cross-legged on the sofa, then poked Keith in the shoulder a few times for emphasis. "But now the whole team knows, so you've got nothing on me.  Better luck next time."

("Lance, why are you such a prick.")

"All right, enough.  This isn't why I called you guys here... but it does show my point.  That's a compromising position to be found in... but it's not blackmail."

Shiro gave a gentle smile to each of the other four in turn.

"Come on, guys.  We'd all be lying if we said Lance was the only one here who ever does it."   

The sound of the keys on the laptop stopped and the room was quiet.  Propping his right ankle up on his left knee, Keith rested back into the sofa.

"Fair enough."

"But..." Pidge interjected, "I would bet Lance is the only one here who ever does it **with Keith watching**."

Hunk and Pidge broke into laughter.

("For real though, Keith, did you at least help him finish? Aha ahaha--" Hunk was almost unintelligible through his laughs, but Pidge was able to decipher it and laughed harder.)

Lance slid down until his back was against the sofa seat again, lounging with (feigned) indifference.  Looking up, he saw Keith frozen in place, obviously embarrassed, unable to counter.

"Whatever.  Call it another 'bonding moment'..." Lance tossed out, and he joined the laughter until...

"OHH, OH WAIT! DUDE!!" Hunk suddenly sat straight up, with a shout, abruptly, turning to his left.

"Pidge-- Do YOU do it too? That didn't even occur to me, but have you tried to get yourself off since we got here?"

" **Hunk** ," Shiro's voice broke in like a door slamming, " **that is inappropriate and--** "

"Um, no it's _perfectly_ appropriate--" Hunk interrupted calmly, "Given that you _just_ said this is part of being human and nothing to be ashamed about. Right?" Hunk had the receipt; Keith and Lance immediately signed on.

"...Literally just said it, Shiro."

"You didn't think it was inappropriate for everybody to hear about ME in a compromised position."

"........" Shiro silently surveyed the corner into which he had painted himself. Deciding he couldn't justify outright whether he felt extra protective of the Green Paladin, he sat forward, resigned. Shiro sent a glance over to Pidge, who cracked a silent, but unmistakably amused smile back at him.  

Hunk interrupted their eye contact, tapping Pidge on the shoulder the way he would knock on a dorm room, ignoring the chaos in the hall.

"Alright, to be fair, I'll tell you I usually go to the laundry room.  You know, a lot of rooms in this castle are drafty, but when the dryers are on it's pretty cozy in there.  Plus all the piles and stacks of fabric provide great acoustic dampening, which is useful because I can get pretty noisy."

"You? Noisy? This is my shocked face," Lance replied.

"Ooh, laundry room is a good idea," Pidge leaned in with an uninhibited grin, " _that supply of clean towels must come in handy._ "

Hunk blinked back, eyes steadily widening.  

Then they both broke into boisterous laughter again.  All five of them felt the bounce as Hunk fell back into the sofa, lifting one hand for a fist bump.

"Hahahaaa! Nice, very nice!" Hunk added, and Pidge still grinning, bumped back, then needed both hands to catch the laptop from falling.

"Well, damn.  I didn't expect Pidge to make a joke with the word 'handy'. A good one, too."

"I didn't expect Pidge to use the word 'come' like that, without even pausing. Wow."

"Wh- _what?!_ "

Lance and Keith both threw incredulous looks to each other while Shiro put one hand to his hair; palm just barely avoiding his face. He might have been watching for an opening to escape this conversation, but no chance just yet.

"Okay, guys, back on topic," Hunk spoke like this one question was worth 30% of the final grade.

"Hunk, really..." Pidge sat upright, knees over the edge of the seat so the laptop no longer required two hands to balance.  

"In all the time we've known each other, have you ever seen me put my hands on something and NOT get it to work?  You know I'll stay up all night if I have to.   _Until I am completely satisfied._ "

After the last five words were very clearly enunciated, the room was silent again and Pidge counted that as a victory.  The next sound was Shiro when he sat up (struggling to clear various images from his mind) and his hands landed gently on his knees.

"Well, yeah, I know you could if you TRIED, but," Hunk fumbled, trying to make his curiosity sound like no big deal. 

"My question was really, 'have you tried'... you know, like, have you felt inspired to apply your skills specifically to _that kind of satisfaction_ in the time since we passed through the first wormhole..."

"Yes."

"...a-all right, then." Hunk suddenly wished he had a cup of tea or something to do with his hands, but since he didn't, he simply fidgeted. Shiro relaxed back into the sofa (relieved Hunk stopped there, not questioning the mechanics). Keith smiled so broadly it was almost a laugh.

"Just so you know, I never doubted your dexterity."

"Hold the phone, guys, now that I think about it..." from his reclined position, Lance piped up.

"Pidge, in all the time we've known each other, I've rarely seen you do anything _manually_.  If you want something done, you usually build some kind of device or program to do it."

Various looks to the effect of "oh shit" appeared on the faces of Hunk, Keith, Shiro, then (for just a split second) Pidge, who next answered with a confident smirk.

"Lance, unfortunately for you, I have not built a sexbot on this ship."

"Nah, I know you wouldn't make an entire bot with only one or two functions.  It'd be some kind of handheld device, I bet."  Lance gestured about the size of his shoe.  "This big, maybe?"

"What?! That's way too big!" Keith unintentionally raised his voice, then cleared his throat and pulled back a bit. He gestured the size of his own hand, from wrist to the tip of his middle finger.

"This would be enough."

"Maybe enough for the actionable part, but then you need to include a power source and maneuvering components..."

"Guys, wait," Hunk sits up waving both hands, "Let's not get hung up on size. We need to figure out how it works, so we can narrow down where it's located."

Even if this had been an opening, Shiro wouldn't have been able to walk away from this conversation. Unaware of Shiro's ethical dilemma, Pidge spoke up again.

"You dorks shouldn't get hung up on figuring out where it is either, because you're talking about a completely hypothetical, not-at-all-real device which you will never find."

"Yeah, well, you SAY you didn't build one because you don't want us to go looking for it...  But that means you _definitely_ built one and now I am _totally_ gonna find it!"

"Hunk, there is nothing to find. I'm serious."  Pidge glared, but the smirk was still there.

"Oh, come on... technological developments like these could benefit the lives of _so many people_ on this ship! It could be _life-saving_!"

"We've established there are only five humans here and none are in danger of dying from lack of orgasm."

"You leave me no choice.  Starting tomorrow, full investigation of your lab.  Time to confiscate and inspect EVERYTHING."

"Dude, NO" exasperated, Pidge sat upright, all attention toward disarming Hunk.  

"I'm warning you-- do NOT go rummaging through my stuff looking for sex toys!  There are none in my room, nor in the lab, and even if you DID manage to find one, you wouldn't even know what you were looking at--" Pidge stopped, holding perfectly still for a beat, (and Shiro closed his eyes tightly).

"--that is, IF I had even built a device!"

"Which we all know you definitely did."

"Even _IF_ I did... obviously I would've designed it so you dipshits wouldn't recognize what it was for."

"Oh, really??  It's on!" Lance replied with a cheer, followed by Keith.

"You might regret saying that after our next mind-melding meditation session."

"Hmmm," Hunk continued hypothesizing, "knowing Pidge, it might not require penetration at all.  (Maybe it looks like a massager...)"  

Pidge didn't consider Lance or Keith a problem, but Hunk was still a genuine threat.  Pidge resorted to tugging his shoulders, despite being unable to actually move the much bigger paladin.

"Damn it, Hunk, stop thinking about touching my equipment!!"

"Oh! What if it generates a little sonic-electric pulse!  Like the rehab sequence in the healing pods. It could increase blood flow by skin contact, then a pulse could tickle dense nerve endings all the way inside the muscle tissue...  Hell yeah, that'd be super effective!"

Pidge released the yellow sleeves, flopping back down into the seat of the sofa to grab the laptop again (and then the same amused smile from earlier returned).

"Not a bad theory.  (But you still have no idea what you're looking for.)"

"Shiro, I am _so_ glad we all had this little talk," Lance spoke with the tone of an actor accepting an award, "I'm especially glad to see that, compared to these two, my sex habits are actually pretty mild."

"You think?  If rubbing one out in a public shower is 'mild', then ......"

 

Keith wanted to abort that sentence sooner, but it was too late for the others to gloss over; and Shiro was quite ready to re-direct the spotlight.

"Then what does that make you, Keith?"

"No spice at all. I am The Single Least Exciting Paladin when it comes to sex."

Suddenly, Lance sat up, crossing his legs under himself again.  (Maybe to avoid hearing that voice come from above him, as) Keith continued.

"You guys know me.  It's usually lights out as soon as my head hits the pillow, but... sometimes if I can't sleep right away, then..." 

He shrugged as if they should be able to guess the rest, letting that sentence hang unfinished.

 

"Then what?" Pidge asked, with as much excitement as confirming the next step in a soup recipe.  

"Then I read."

"Keith, that's not boring, nor is it sex. Doesn't count." Hunk stretched out, accidentally kicking Shiro's feet in the center.

"But does that mean you have some books from Earth with you?"  Shiro seized the chance to bring the conversation to safer territory, "Everything I've found in the castle so far has been in Altean."

Keith slid both hands behind his neck before he answered.

"No, I don't have anything from Earth.  But a lot of books here don't require advanced literacy to know what's going on."

"Oh yeah, that's true.  I found a whole room of physics and mathematics textbooks. The charts and diagrams make sense even if you can't read all the text." Pidge added.  

"Keith, are you saying you get turned on by textbooks? Or are you saying you found legitimate porn?" Lance requested urgent clarification.

"On the floor with the art and music, there's a whole room of graphic novels.  And in that room, there's a few sections of... what I guess translates to 'mature content'..."  Keith shrugged, his hands still behind his neck, "I keep some in my room, but anyway, like I said, boring."

"Damn. Lance, I'm disappointed."  Hunk half-heartedly kicked Lance in the shin.  "There's an erotic bookstore on this ship and you let him beat you to it? Another point for Keith."

"Kiss my quiznak, dude.  I'm not desperate enough to pull _every_ book off _every_ shelf in case they might have pictures of sex. Yet."

"I don't have to pull out every book," Keith nonchalantly explained. "I found the first one by chance, and when I went to put it back, then I realized the same sequence of Altean letters appeared on the shelf, and on books in the other sections.  I'd guess it's like a catalog system and under the title on every book, a code for the genre and subgenre is written." 

"Meaning that you can read some Altean now?  That's really impressive."  Shiro's flattering tone somehow made Keith feel happy he'd just admitted to stashing alien porn in his room, and it showed a little in his cheeks.

"I guess..." Keith smiled at the door to avoid a glare from Lance; Pidge and Hunk both spoke up.

"That's surprisingly productive, Keith."

"You're gonna share, right?  (Now I'm curious.)"

Suddenly Lance wished he had something in his hands, but he didn't, so he leaned over the sofa back hiding them behind himself.  

"Oh ho, speaking of sharing..." a smile spread across Lance's face and his head tilted toward Shiro.

" **Yep!** " Shiro stood up, clapped his hands together and spoke from the diaphragm, like a coach. 

 

"Good talk, everybody. We've done a lot of sharing tonight and we've got an early morning tomorrow so let's get some rest."

"Whaaaaat??"

"No way! You're the one started this whole 'let's not be ashamed' party!"

"Shiro, I think now is the time for you to show solidarity with the team..."

"Yeah, you can't just leave...  You're the last of the only five humans out here."

Shiro stood to face all four of them squarely, with an affectionate smile.

 

"I'm glad we got this out in the open.  You know I love you guys and I'm here for you.  But I'm... not at liberty to discuss how I handle my sexual tension."  Shiro nodded definitively, and Hunk puzzled over it aloud.

" _Not at liberty..._?  What... do you need _permission_ or something? Who's gonna care if you talk... about... "  

Shiro let his smile widen, but turned toward the door without another word.

The realization poured over Hunk, Pidge, Keith and Lance like the smell of fresh-baked pizza from an oven door.  Similarly, once the door opened, there was no practical way to put the aroma back, and they could not stop thinking about it.

 

"Wh-whoa, _wait_!  You can't tell us because..."

"He respects the privacy of others."

"I'm not surprised."

"Wait, _HOLD THE ACTUAL PHONE_ \-- you mean to tell us when your cork pops someone else is there?! HOW? _WHO?!_ "

" _ **Good night, guys.**_ " In a couple of strides, Shiro was at the door, speaking back over his shoulder.  "Wrap up whatever business you have left and get to sleep.  If you're late tomorrow, it's gonna be a really rough day."

 

The door closed as he departed, but Shiro was still quite present in the minds of the other four.  Hunk started hypothesizing again. 

"I don't think Shiro's the type to look for random hook ups while we're out on missions, so... chances are high that it's someone on this ship."  

"Shiro must be tapping Coran," Lance stated with such conviction, the other three stared back in silence.  "Because it is definitely, most certainly NOT Allura."

"Statistically speaking, there is some probability it could be Coran. Or Allura. Or it could even be one of us."  Pidge continued typing but glanced up.  Lance and Hunk looked to each other, then both noticed Keith and Pidge hold eye contact just a moment longer.

"It's not impossible."  Keith replied, crossing his arms and leaning back into the sofa.  Lance put his feet on the floor, grabbed Keith by the sleeve and jumped up.

"Okay, that's a wrap.  We're done here.  Come on, Keith, we're going back to your room."

"Wh--?  Who invited you to my room?!"

"You did just now, I believe you have some books for me to borrow?  Sounds great, let's go."

"........" 

"Well, speaking of borrowing..." 

"Hunk, no."

"Okay, even if I go along your story and say it doesn't exist, that means we need to start working on it.  I've got the design theory, let's get started on the hardware calculations."

"It's way too late to start calcs tonight...  Look... if I show you some of the prototypes, will you promise not to shred my room?"

Without protest Keith led the way and Lance followed back to his room.  Pidge folded up the laptop and when Hunk followed, that was all five humans in the Castle of Lions retiring for the night.

**Author's Note:**

> ...Next Lance will have his hands full.
> 
>  
> 
> // If I mis-tagged or missed any tags for this please let me know! // thanks for reading


End file.
